just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
