I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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