He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
