i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
