im having a threesome with these popsicles
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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