i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
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Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
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It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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