just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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