I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
