I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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