Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
