So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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