when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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