Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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