I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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