Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
