after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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