i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
