Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
