maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
