Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
