Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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