How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
