I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
