i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
