Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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