Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
