So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
