only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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