its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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