I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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