At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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