Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
