I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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