and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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