My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
