my mouth tastes like poor choices
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
