More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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