Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
