i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?