yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dignity is for republicans.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
