im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
