life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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