sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
