you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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