Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
