So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
