hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
