True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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