I cannot find my penis.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize