Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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