Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
