Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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