just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
