even my farts smell like vagina
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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