i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
