I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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