i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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