When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
